Merry Freakin' Christmas!
by The Great Chicken Miasma
Summary: Oh no! It's Christmas in the Shroomish Kingdom and madness never sleeps! It's up to Pikario and friends to try and survive the holidays in one piece! Along the way, they'll sing songs, drink eggnog, and endure annoying scripts that rhyme!
1. Be Jolly, Dammit!

_**Authoress' Notes:** YES! It's finally Christmas again, my favorite time of the year! And with it comes this special Christmas story! IN PIKARIO FROM! Just consider this a little something to keep you tied over until **"P&C2"** comes out! And if you're annoyed by all the rhyming, try to ignore it. I wanted to be original for once! So shoot me!

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**_Merry Freakin' Christmas!_**

_**Chapter 1:** Be Jolly, Dammit!_

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**_Now, gather 'round my friends, old and new, as I shall share this special story with you. It's about Christmas and laughter, friends and brotherhood... Or at least, it should..._**

_It was finally Christmastime in the Shroomish Kingdom and everyone was jolly! Because now that was nearing Christmas, they could act even MORE overly jolly! And the fact that they were just that much more holly made them even more—unfortunately for most of us—JOLLY!_

_But there was one person, or Koopa, to be exact... no, wait a minute! He's actually a Blastoise! Ah, I keep forgetting about that! _

_...But anyway, this Koopa/Blastoise person guy was not happy about the Holidays, as he confirms this with a sneer! Mostly cause he never gets any presents, since he's been bad all year!_

"Kammy, damn it, it's not fair! Look at all those bumbling idiots down there!" Bowser shouted, looking at all the louts who, um, LOUTED!

"My lord, whatever are you talking about? They're just dancing about!" said the hag, who herself, was pretty much a lout.

"Dancing about they may be, but that's never been pleasing to me! Especially now that it's Christmas again and probably not gonna get any presents... AGAIN!"

"Well," Kammy advised. "It's no big surprise! All year, you lie, steal, and cheat! You're mean, rude, and even make the troops clean your feet!"

"SILENCE!" Bowser roared, quite angry at that. "I know I've been bad! I'm the KING! I'm supposed to do that! It's that bastard Santa who's the cause of all this trouble, so I think I'll pay him a little visit and, for once, burst_ his_ bubble!"

Kammy was shocked! "My lord! That's impossible! ...I mean the visiting Santa part, not the bubble... You can't just go to the North Pole! It doesn't exist here, at least, that's what I've been told..."

"That's it!" Bowser shouted, enjoying his gloating. "Santa Claus must live in the world of creative accounting! No one knows where that is or what that means, so it must be where he's hiding!"

"I guess anything at this point would work..." Kammy finished, adding in a sneaky smirk.

* * *

_So, Bowser and Kammy went to the world of creative accounting and since no one knows where that is or how to get there, they were very prompt in succeeding! It wasn't long before Bowser found the workshop of Santa Claus, the most awesomest guy in the world, with all the FREE OF CHARGE present-bringing he does for all the boys and girls!_

"Halt!" Bowser busted in! "Stop the toy-making and throw 'em all into the bin! They're going home with me to keep, so do it now and make it a clean sweep!"

"What **_now_**? What's the story?" yelled Santa Claus, who was a Delibird because this is a POKéMON story!

Bowser pulled out a bad-ass Bazooka Bill, the kind of Bullet Bill that isn't really run-of-the-mill! "Cut the jolly crap, asshole! Just gimme the stuff and I'll go!"

"**OH, MY GOD! HE'S GONNA SHOOT! HIT THE DECK!"** cried one of Santa's non-elf Snorunts! LOL! What the heck?

Bowser laughed and fired at the wall, blowing it away and all! "Stopping I will not do, at least not until I've taken every single last gift from you!"

Santa let loose his Stantlers! "Quick, use Hypnosis to silence that brute! And then, use Earthquake to give him the boot! Why can't I ever have a peaceful Christmas? One without some lunatic trying to ruin it's--"

He was suddenly cut off as Bowser blew apart his Stantlers one by one! "Die Dasher, die Dancer, die Prancer, and Vixen! Die Comet, die Cupid, die Donner and Blitzen!"

Snorunt #540 sweatdropped! "Holy shit! This guy's serious!"

Santa jumped out the hole in wall! **"RUN AWAY, ELSE HE'LL KILL US!"**

"BWA HA HA!" Bowser took t3h Big Bag 0f Gifts and threw it at Kammy. "Christmas is mine and that's not a lie! Merry Christmas to all! Now, you're all gonna die!"

* * *

_Uh oh! This doesn't look good! Let's go back to the Shroomish Kingdom and into Pikario's neighborhood! Well, whaddya know? IT'S SNOWING! WOOHOO! And Peach is there, too? Especially after she just finished inviting the Magnificent Seven over for eggnog? MAZEL TOV! _

Pikario got down from decorating the Christmas Tree, topping it all off with a Nintendo DS for all to see! "There! Now that's better! See, I told you that'd work better than a stinky, old sweater! ...Wait a minute... Why am I rhyming? That's for nerds! And I'm doing it in perfect timing! CURSE YOU... um... YOU BIRDS!"

"It's just some stupid Christmas gag," Chuigi sighed.

"You'll get used to it!" Peach called, coming in from outside!

"So, what time is everyone coming? I'm getting bored!" Chuigi grumbled, drinking the rest of his eggnog and going to get some more.

"Very soon!" Peach chimed. "I only called them at noon!"

Very randomly, Pikario sat up, spilling his eggnog into Chuigi's Articuno-themed cup! "Sweet! And when they get here that means..."

Peach bounced up. "They can help us deck the halls with Poké Balls and light the tree with Christmas lights that shine and gleam?"

"NO! We go outside and spread the joy of YELLOW SNOW!" Chuigi answered, going outside and writing, 'mY b1g br0TH3r eAt$ P00!' What a strange and funny thing to do!

_Then, the Magnificent Seven came up, all wrapped up in sweaters and stuff! _

Pikella was in a wonder, surprised at the Pichu's behavior. "Chuigi... what are you _doing_?"

"Marking my territory!" he replied. "Not to mention giving the yard a little trimming!"

Ms. Rwatt sweatdropped. "Okay..." And they went on their way!

Getting to the door, Pikella knocked and Peach promptly answered with a gasp of happy shock! "Hi, Pikella! You look great! Won't you come in and have these Legendary Pokémon cookies on a plate?"

"Thanks, Peach! Don't mind if I do!" she took a cookie. "And the Kyogre-shaped ones are my absolute favorite, too!"

"'sup, Pikella? I thought you said you'd kill me if you saw me again," Pikario reminded Pikella of her dastardly plan.

"It's Christmas, a time of joy and brotherhood, so I'm not allowed, even though I really should..." Pikella huffed, dropped a shitload of gifts and stuff.

Pikario pushed her over! "In that case, Merry Christmas and shut the hell up!"

"It's Christmas! Hi, everybody! I love you SO much!" Vivian busted in, all bisexual and stuff!

"Do you have to say that every time we walk into someone's house?" Crusher muttered, looking outside at the still-peeing mouse!

_Bobbery walked in, followed by Flurrie, Ms. Rwatt and Squirt. Wow, everyone's here! This party of 10 just might work!_

Peach was happy! "Okay! Now that everyone's here, what should we do to bring in Christmas happiness and cheer?"

"I thought it was called X-mas," Crusher said, eating a cookie that looked a lot like Moltres!

"Let's sing some songs!" Ms. Rwatt suggested.

_And so they did!

* * *

_

**_On the First Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me: an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!_**

**_On the Second Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me: _**

**_2 Courage Shells_**

**_And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!_**

**_On the Third Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me: _**

_**3 Shadow Sirens**_

_**2 Courage Shells**_

**_And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!_**

_And it went and on and on like that until...!_

**_On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, a Koopa gave to me:_**

_**12 Hordes of Smorgs**_

_**11 Spiky Goombas**_

_**10 Jelly Ultras**_

**_9 Elite X-Nauts_**

_**8 Boss Battles**_

_**7 Crystal Stars**_

_**6 Pianta Tokens**_

_**5 BORING CHAPTERS**_

_**4 Whacka Bumps**_

_**3 Shadow Sirens**_

**_2 Courage Shells_**

_**And an Authoress with too much spare time on her hands!

* * *

**_

"Well, that was fun," Squirt coughed awkwardly. "what do we do now, rock around the Christmas Tree?"

Chuigi disagreed. "Naw, that's already been bested."

"...By playing in the snow!" Peach interrupted, jumping out the window!

Squirt said, "Let's open the presents!"

Vivian said, "We can't do that! Even though we brought some for you, Santa hasn't been here yet!

Crusher rolled his eyes! "What a bunch of lies! Santa doesn't exist, you ho!"

Pikella scolded him. "Don't call her that, or you'll be headfirst out there in the snow! You know the rules: Until Christmas is over, no name-calling, arguments, violence, or deceitful tricks and plotting! Anyone people who cause trouble on Christmas are a bunch of fools!"

"...If anyone needs me, I'll be in the snow..." Chuigi said, using this as an excuse to go!

Outside, Peach waved her paws to and fro, hoping again that it would snow! "Come on, Pikario! It's so much fun! Come out here and show everyone how snowy funtime is done!"

"Oh, please!" Pikario shouted crossly. "If I go out there I'll freeze! I think I'm better off in the house; for I'm not a real 'outside' kind of mouse!"

Chuigi flipped off the Pikachu! "Fine! Then we'll just have fun without you! It shouldn't too hard, especially with all this snow in the yard! You're really missing out, Pikario, and that ain't a lie! Why, there's so much snow out here, I could just die!"

"Then take a hint and why don't you?" Pikario retorted, sticking his rear end out the window for his brother to view!

Flurries scoffed. "Pikario, that was quite rude..."

Bobbery added, "And it wasn't a very nice thing to do..."

Then, Shroomsworth and some Shroomishes ran in! "Mario! Mario! It's quite awful, you know! It seems someone has stolen all presents, making Christmas this year a no-go!"

"What the fuck?" said Pikario, with anger, he was quite struck. "Now, who'd do something retarded like that?"

"Maybe a tree!" said a Shroomish.

"Or a Stantler!" said another.

"Or a baseball bat!" said yet, another who decided to be the other!

Crusher sweatdropped. "...Yeah... Well, anyway... What do we do now? We'll never find those presents no how!"

Then, one Shroomish said, "He probably took them from the world of creative accounting! It's not like we actually know how we got those presents in the morning!"

"Okay, so how do we get there?" Squirt asked, because he was so totally square!

"Loser! No one knows where it is or how to get there! You just go!" Pikario shouted, pushing him out into the snow!

* * *

_WE'RE OFF YET AGAIN TO SAVE CHRISTMAS! Isn't that original...? Aside from that, everyone arrived at the world of creative accounting in no time at all._

Upon walking into the conveniently-placed workshop, Pikario was shocked! "What the hell? It's Santa Claus!"

"What's he doing here?" Ms. Rwatt asked. "Isn't it against copyright laws?"

Chuigi nodded in understanding, then went on to rambling: "Not really, since almost everyone loves Christmas so damn much. It's got kinda... you know, the magic touch."

Santa the Delibird said, "Pikario, it seems Bowser's stolen all my presents, as you can see! And without those gifts, Christmas can't continue annually!"

Pikario pointed out the window and into the snow! "Then, off to Bowser's we will go! Because I want the most perfect present of all!"

"Hopefully, it'll be something small," Chuigi remarked, not caring about Pikario's intentions at all!

* * *

_Off they went to Bowser's castle, so dark and gloomy it seemed to be. That's the way he lives his life, I guess. **IT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE!**_

Bowser laughed. "Bwa ha ha! You'll never get these gifts from me! You'll die a horrible death today, Pikario! That you'll soon see!"

"Yeah!" Kammy included. "Before Lord Bowser's done, I won't have anything to do, because you'll be dead!"

"Aw, I sense hostility! Somebody needs a huggy-wuggy, don't they?" Vivian swooned, because he was, dare I say it?

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...Gay. **_THERE I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_**

Vivian bounced over to Bowser. "Tra la-la la-la!"

Bowser sweatdropped. "What the hell are you doing?"

Pikario also sweatdropped. "I think she has the Christmas spirit..."

Chuigi squinted! "...OH! _Now_, I see it!"

"Eww!" Crusher grimaced. "I'm getting sick of all this swooning!"

Kammy backed away. Something was the matter! "Um, is this thing a guy or gal, because if it's the latter..."

"Here! I give up! You win!" Bowser dropped t3h Big Bag 0f Gifts on the floor. "Just get him... uh, her... uh, **_IT_** away from me!"

"That was a little easier than I thought," Pikella once again, thought!

Vivian looked depressed. "Once again, my yearnings for love, peace, and happiness have to be suppressed!"

Pikario threw Pikella's sweater at the Shadow Siren. "Give it a rest and get your mind outta the dirty bin!"

* * *

_**Sometime later, which really wasn't too much later...**_

Chuigi's mouth dropped. "Whaddya mean you can't go, you big flop? We got your freakin' presents, so it's time to freakin' go, not stop!"

Santa sighed. "Well, when Bowser stole my gifts, my Stantler...um... 'fainted' while trying to fight him, that big misfit! So, now I can't deliver the presents one way or another... Maybe that 'Christmas in July' thing'll let me do it this summer..."

"You know, if you told me that earlier, that's another plot of Bowser's I could've fumbled!" Pikario mumbled.

"Ooh, I have an idea that just might work! We can deliver the presents _for_ you!" Peach said, with a smirk.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Crusher said.

Flurrie nodded. "It's crazy, mad, and most of all, quite absurd!"

"Plus, we don't have any mode of transportation! Oh, the abomination!" Vivian added. "I guess this means Santa's through! Christmas has had it!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Pikario pouted. "Fine, I'll do it, but if hafta do this shit, then everyone's coming with me and that's it!"

"Oh no!" Squirt hid in his shell. "I can't do that! I don't handle air travel very well!"

"Too bad! You're going!" Pikario commanded, kicking him in the groin!

"But we still need a way to travel the skies!" Crusher reminded the others, forgetting that he was able to fly!

_All of a sudden, a sparkle appeared in the sky! It was Bluetail, Blacktail, and even Bonetail! What a surprise! They landed with a thump and, expecting a fight, everyone prepared to give them lumps! _

But then Bluetail said, "What are you doing? We're trying to help! Better take off your fighting gloves, you wussy, little whelps!"

"Help us?" Pikella inquired. "But you're the bad guys! You probably just want to set us on fire!"

And Blacktail said, "That's a lie! Until Christmas is over, we're on your side! It's in the rules, you know. Why else would we come here through all that sleet and snow?"

Vivian scratched his head. "To watch the aurora borealis? It's quite pretty, you know."

Blacktail roared, "NO! We're gonna help pull Santa's sleigh and bring everyone presents so they'll be happy on Christmas Day!"

"**_AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_** said the zombified Bonetail! Apparently, he was ready to help, too!

Santa sighed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's great to hear! I think I know of 3 good little Salamences who are going to receive a big, rotting carcass for Christmas this year!"

Pikario sweatdropped! "Now THAT... I didn't need to hear..."

* * *

_BANZAI! And so, Bluetail, Blacktail, and Bonetail got hitched up and carried the sleigh! Hey, if you're gonna do something right, you might as well do it the cool way! _

_Pikario, Chuigi, Peach, Pikella, Squirt, Flurrie, Crusher, Vivian, Bobbery and Ms. Rwatt rode in the sleigh, dropping off presents, singing Christmas carols, and getting strung out on eggnog all along the way! _

**_You better look out,  
You better not cry,  
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,  
Cause we might be bombin' your town!_**

**_  
Santa made us a list, _**

**_Squirt puked on it twice,_****_  
Now, we don't know who's been naughty or nice,  
So, we might be bombin' your town!_**

**_  
We know if you're still sleeping,_**

**_We know just where you are,_**

_**So, you better leave us cookies,**_

**_Cause our guns aren't off too far!_**

_**Oh! You better look out,**__**  
You better not cry,  
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,  
Cause we might be bombin' your town!**_

_**We know if you've been real nice,**_

_**We know if you've been naughty,**_

_**All the bad kids better watch their ass,**_

_**Cause Pikella knows karate!**_

_**Oh! You better look out,  
You better not cry,  
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,  
Cause we might be bombin' your town!**_

_**Don't think we're being ruthless,**_

_**Don't think we're being mean,**_

**_But if you don't like Pokémon,_**

**_A disaster your house will see!_**

**_So! You better look out,  
You better not cry,  
You better not snitch; We're tellin' you why,  
Cause we might be bombin' your town!

* * *

_**

_On through the night they went, dropping gifts and packages all over the universe! From Kanto to Johto, to Dreamland and beyond they traversed! From the Shroomish Kingdom, to the Hoogivezahkrap Kingdom, and even to the REAL Mushroom Kingdom! They even went to the Almighty Authoress' house! Isn't that sweet? They left me a copy of **"Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time"** underneath the Christmas Tree!

* * *

_

_From 7:00 in the evening in to 7:00 that morning, they spread the joys of Christmas crap for everyone to be praising! They went back to Santa's house and got themselves quite a praising! They had eggnog, beer, cookies, and played video games ease! The round of fun broke up when Bluetail, Bonetail, and Blacktail said they had to leave!_

"We have to go back home, you see," Bluetail explained. "Cause come tomorrow, we're gonna be back to being your enemies!"

Pikario gave Bonetail a high-five! "Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted! And tomorrow, prepare to be blasted!"

_The 3 Salamences flew up, up, and away, not to be heard about again until later that Christmas Day! Then, surprise, surprise! Who's at the door? Why, it's none other than Bowser, looking even more annoyed than before!_

"A lump of coal, Pikario? What the hell? As long as I'm here, I might as well cook your tail!"

Then Santa came up, "Bowser, I don't understand why you're all in a huff! It's your own fault that you've naughty and not nice. Why, you're lucky I didn't leave you any explosive ice!"

"Now, lookie here, you!" Kammy was pissed! "You better give His Highness at least one gift!"

Boswer got all teary-eyed! "I just want one! Please? It's hard to be the good guy when you can be bad with so much ease!"

Santa rolled his eyes. "Well, I guess that's true..." he pulled out a present. "But I'm only doing this for the law of Christmas, NOT YOU! From now on, you have to be _nice _on Christmas, no matter how much you want to kick Pikario's ass!"

The king was surprised. "You mean, that's why I kept getting lumps of coals as my Christmas surprise? Because I wasn't nice to that bastard, Pikario? OH! IF ONLY I'D KNOWN!"

Kammy cleared her throat. "Yes, well... as his right-hand henchwoman, I think I deserve something, too... it's only the right thing to do..."

"Fine," Santa shoved a present to the old hag. "Now, get off my property, before I call security and have you dragged!" He slammed the door and they were heard no more!

"...Well," Pikario yawned. "That was fun, but it's nearly dawn. We need to go home and open our presents!"

"Oh, yeah. Forgot about that," Santa mused. "Well, have a Merry Christmas and never chew bubble gum after it's been used!"

_With a sweatdrop, everyone nodded and ran out the door! Leaving Santa and his Snorunts to clean up the Stantler guts spewed all over the floor!

* * *

_

_**Back Home...**_

_Pikario ripped open his present with glee, only to see... an AK-47! And a contract for his next high-grossing game, **'Pikario & Chuigi: Bozos in Time!'** SWEET!_

_Chuigi got a new computer! What a shame! If he's lacking in presence, it's the online porn to blame!_

_Peach received a bed of water! Just the kind of thing she and Pikario could use when they have, um, 'sleepovers'! _

_Pikella got herself... a sexy male Pikachu with a Couple's Cake! A 2-for-1 deal! Now, she can finally get off Pikario's back and let her 'wounded' heart of love heal!_

_Squirt got himself some Courage Shells! Well, this ain't the Wizard of Oz or nothin', so let's say he's a lot more 'protected' now! ...Wait... What the hell...?_

_Flurrie got herself one of those skin-tight bikini things you see at the beach on sexy girls! **OMG! COVER YOUR EYES BEFORE SHE PUTS IT ON! I THINK I'M GONNA HURL!**_

_Crusher received a year's supply of brass knuckles! That he did enjoy! Looks like he's gonna be taking some wrestler names, boys!_

_Vivian, the most eccentric of them all, got, wouldn't you know it? 10 pairs of pantyhose, tight leather clothes, a whip, and that red thing you strap to your mouth that looks like a ball!_

_Bobbery obtained blasting powder, a ship, and sailors and pirates along with it! Now he can watch them on the high seas, with their cannons and ammo, go at it!_

_Ms. Rwatt got a, lemme guess... A badge? YES! The 'I'm Going to Break the Rules and You Can't Do Anything About It' badge! Too bad she didn't find it earlier. That could've helped Pikario's journey go a lot faster!_

_Bowser went home and opened his present, only to get... a brand-new baby Chain Chomp! How cute! Just look at it frolic! Watch how it flops!_

_Kammy, on the other hand, got a 2 years' supply of free treatment to a fancy-ass mud bath spa! I knew that's what old people liked! A-HA!_

_Everywhere, Christmas was celebrated, as you will soon see..._

_Tony and Vinny gave Da Don a new limousine! Complete with pimps, prostitutes, a pool, a DVD system, and the TV was wide-screen! For that, Da Don gave them the day off... with triple the pay of course!_

_Francesca gave Frankie a present he could NEVER send back! And to make it even worse, it was a 'present' he gave her about 9 months back! Now, he's up to his sunglasses in baby Lotads! Well, they may be a lot of good things about being Da Don, but this is one of the bad!_

_In PeachyKeenburg, Squirtley gave Koopie Koo a document that allowed her to change her name to Squirty Squirt! Wow... when Squirt gets back, that's really gonna hurt!_

_Chini and Chituni gave each other Mushrooms, dried and fresh! Too bad Chituni always wound up with the dried and Chituni always got the fresh!_

_Jolene gave Rawk Hawk some clean underwear! And in return, he gave her... back the underwear! He didn't like it; that was no doubt! Because of that, Jolene made him wear them inside out! And when I say that, I mean in a bad way... ouch..._

_Doopliss and the Boos sat down and had a nice, undead Christmas dinner with all sorts of zombies, ghouls, ghosts, and goblins! Strangely, there was less scaring than there was gobbling!_

_Cortez and the other 4,389,483,902 Shroomishes and Bob-ombs had a fun Christmas that you'd just have to applaud! Expect, if said 'Merry Christmas', you'd be beheaded! It was supposed to be 'Felis Navidad'! _

_The Excess Sex Express stopped running, since it was Christmas and all. The Engineer invited the staff over for dinner at his house, hordes of Smorgs and all!_

_Pussy Heights did celebrate Christmas, that I can say, but because they're so rich and famous, they celebrated it for 25 days!_

_The Bob-ombs at Fahr-OuwtpostMann commemorated the Holidays by blasting off presents their big-ass gun! Then, going out to see where they landed seemed to be the most fun!_

_In the Place of Shadowy Shadowness That is Very Shadowy Just Because It Is, the Shadow Queen was still dormant in her grave! Until, Vivian, being the sweetheart she is, left her the Crystal Stars as a Christmas present, but only if she promised when she came back and took over the world, she'd behave! Ha ha! That's so cute... Oh, wait! SHIT, WE'RE SO SCREWED!_

_Bluetail, Blacktail, and Bonetail all got the stinky, rotting carcasses they wanted! And they even got together and for Pikario's death, they plotted!_

_Back on Da Moon, the X-Nauts got together and gave TEC AOL 9.0! The best thing ever! Now, he can take over the universe and their moons much faster!_

_The little X –guys also got Grodius another dress! But because he was still a head, he couldn't wear it! What a mess! Instead, he uses it as a polisher! He'll be the shiniest basketball ever!_

_And last (and probably least), came Lord Crump, who got a Transformer Armada toy set! Because of his failed robot plan, it was probably the best thing he could get.

* * *

_

_So, that's the end of a story that had less to do with the morals of Christmas than a badly portrayed soap opera on TV... Has anyone learned anything? ...Not me... Oh, well. I guess it goes to show that fizzy non-diet soda gives you crazy ideas... Not to mention lack of common sense and reasoning. Wait... that didn't rhyme. ...No more rhymes? No more rhymes! **NO MORE RHYMES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! LOOK! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME WITH A BASEBALL BAT! IT DOESN'T RHYME! HOLY CRAP, THIS IS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

**_

_**Authoress' Notes:** Yay! That was fun... and a little different... Ah, well. I was thinking of naming P&C2 some thing like "A Time to be Pwn3d" or "A Time of Pwnage", and once even considered, "Losers in Time". But thanks to Lord Luffy for suggesting "Bozos in Time", which I thought was very ironic and funny! I hope this made everyone laugh and get ready for the next real Pikario adventure, coming out... SOMETIME IN JANUARY, MAYBE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha... Okay, I'm done. Merry Christmas, everyone. :) (Ack! Rhyme! It burns!)_


	2. Twas the Night Before Christmas, but a

_**Authoress' Notes:** This idea struck me like a candy cane to the head the other day; Instead of making a new story every Christmas to celebrate, why not just update this one every year, each chapter with a different theme to it? I only own my own characters!_

* * *

_**Merry Freakin' Christmas!**_

_**Chapter 2:** 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, but a Little After Midnight of Christmas Eve!_

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas, but a little after midnight of Christmas Eve, when all through Peach's Castle,

Not a creature was stirring; Not even the 'We-Don't-Like-Christmas' assholes...

The stockings all were hung; at least 3 on every other door,

Big enough to hold several large presents, hopefully more!

Pikario and Chuigi, the dumb bastards they may be,

Lay somewhat sober in their beds, as if they were boats smoothly sailing a drunken sea.

A special event that night, Peach allowed them to stay over for Christmas Eve,

Until the next day, they wouldn't have to leave!

The Shroomishes were nestled and snug in their beds,

Visions of radioactive mushrooms dancing in their heads;

While Peach donned her Jigglypuff panties, the brothers were a complete mess,

Only after settling down after a big Christmas party, which was the best!

Just then, out on the front lawn, there was something loud to be found,

Of course, Pikario sprang from the bed to see what was going down.

Away to the window he jumped like a Hitmonlee,

All this ruckus was bugging him; he just had to see!

The moon was really shiny and pretty and stuff,

The snow was shiny, too, but Pikario thought it kinda looked like snuff.

When all of a sudden, in the sky! "What the hell?"

There were eight _**flying**_ Stantler! Flying, and flying well!

With a red-nosed Stantler tagging along for the ride and a crazy, old Delibird cursing at the reins,

Pikario knew in moment that they must be insane!

More rapid than a drunk driver, faster than unnecessary violence,

He cussed, shouted, and even used whips, lacking much benevolence:

"Come on, Comet! Hurry up, Cupid! Get the lead out, Donner and Blitzen!

Faster, Dasher! Any day now, Dancer! Get your asses in gear, Prancer and Vixen!

Land on the roof! No, not the gutter!

You guys are so pathetic! You're supposed to**_ fly_**, not flutter!"

They zoomed and sputtered, making disgruntled patterns in the air,

...It was obvious people would know St. Nick was up there...

So, up to the castle-top the n00bs flew like a headless Combusken,

With the sleigh full of toys, Tylenol, and enough root beer to last til the night's end,

Bringing the sound of crashing and expletives, they nearly slammed through the roof,

With such awful navigating skills, one would've though they'd land aloof...

As Pikario was ready to surprise the old bastard and have some harmful fun,

Through the front door, St. Nicholas and his Stantlers came with a really big gun!

He was covered in ammo, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with blood, Stantler fur, and soot;

A bag of stuff he had flung on Dancer's back,

And he looked like a pedophile just opening his secret 'little boy' sack!

His eyes were narrowed and, quite frankly, looked pissed! His beak, it curled in a growl!

His cheeks were white like an albino Absols'! He even looked as if he could howl!

The Statlers were his work mules; they threw presents here and there,

Vixen carried several boxes of Wiis, while Prancer delivered many corresponding games with care!

Blitzen dropped a gun or two in one large stocking,

As Donner quickly removed the stuff from the bag that was Dancer was holding.

Cupid and Comet skipped down the hall with some things, Prancer putting gifts under an oversized tree,

While old, lazy-ass Rudolph had a martini! He wasn't working, and he enjoyed it with glee!

Peeking over the rail from upstairs, Pikario saw this as whack,

Stantlers working for Santa... Well, whaddya say about _**that?!**_

He commanded them from afar, sometimes up close and personal,

It was plain to see the Stantlers didn't like it. They didn't like it at all.

He was chubby and plump, but not too proud of his job,

This guy was even lazier than Pikario was! What a slob!

Soon, a snap of his... fingers made the Stantlers come running,

This quickly let Pikario know that his time to leave was fast approaching;

He spoke not a word, but went straight back outside,

Leaving the gun-destroyed doors laying on the floor and their side.

Getting behind the reins with Rudolph again, the others getting ready to go,

He spat for them to rise and hopefully _**fly**_, not plummet to the hard ground below.

The Stantlers, they neighed and flew the best they could,

...Unfortunately, their best wasn't really all that good...

Regardless, they took off, struggling, but airborne,

Maybe with a little luck, they'd make it home before the coming morn...

But as they took off, Pikario frowned at his last disturbing line...

_**"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, leave me some beer next time!" **_

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** As you Merry Christmas and try to have a Happy New Year, everyone! XD_


	3. A Slightly Disturbing Christmas Carol!

_**Authoress' Notes:** Well, here's this year's installment. Of course, this is more of an abridged version, so no griping over inaccuracies, shortness, or overall nonsense. This is just a short, sweet, and funny parody of "A Christmas Carol" (If you haven't guessed) and will hopefully provide you with some holiday laughs. _

* * *

_**Merry Freakin' Christmas!**_

_**Chapter 3:** A (Slightly Disturbing) Christmas Carol!_

* * *

_Well, well, well! It seems that it's Christmas time once again! Snow was on the ground, winter was in the air, and everybody was shaking their groove thing like there was no tomorrow, which would suck, 'cause tomorrow was Christmas Day!_

_As Chuigi watched all of Pikario's stupid ass friends dance to oddly appropriate Christmas techno music in a nearby club place thingy, he realized he just wasn't in the mood for dancing. And why would he turn down such a crazy, inviting offer to dance his ass to epilepsy-causing lights, loud, deafening musics, and smelly, beer-drenched people? ...Er, could it be because Pikario__ was dead? _

Dead?! DEAD?! Doth mine ears deceive me?! Pikario's actually kicked the bucket?! Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, he has! Pikario_ was dead to begin with; everyone knew that! After accidentally getting sucked into a black hole while looking for beer in outer space, he was as dead as a doornail, and nothing would ever bring him back. _

Of course, Chuigi was sentenced to watching the house, so he was perfectly fine. The funeral costs were murder, but the insurance company took care of that. So, his little bro decided to stay home for the holidays, as he'd already kicked all the strippers from earlier out, due to the fact he was tired. Plus, Santa was on his way! As strange as it sounded_, the little guy couldn't wait to get to bed! He sure wished the big red guy would bring him an AK-47 this year! He'd been... somewhat good... or at least, he thought... And this is where our story begins..._ _

* * *

_Chuigi lay sleeping in bed, trying not to wake up, in fear of Santa passing him by, when all of a sudden... 

_"Chuigi!"_

He opened an eye. "...What?"

_"Chuigi!"_

"What?!"

_**"CHUIGI!"**_

_**"WHAT?!"**_

Pikario appeared out of nowhere as a ghost! _"It's me, that's what! And you better listen up, or else?"_

His brother turned away. "Yeah, and why should I? We both know this is either an hallucination, a dream, or some kind of crazy, messed up combination of both."

The Pikachu scoffed. _"You wish. Anyway, tonight, you'll be visited by 3 ghosts, and you better listen to them, or you'll end up like meeeeeeeee!"_

"Well, technically, everybody'll end up like you at one point, so..."

_"Shut up! I'd come back from the grave to haunt you if I could, but it's Christmas, and it just wouldn't be right if I did..."_

"So... They celebrate Christmas in the afterlife?"

_"Uh, duh. Damn, you're stupid. I hope those ghosts give you what for!"_ he scwoled as he disappeared into thin air.

Chuigi waved it off, yawned, and went back to bed. "Stupid early hangover/dream/hallucinations..."

_But before he could get back to bed, he found himself hoisted up by a giant claw pulling on his ear! Looking a lot like Bowser, he introduced himself!_

_"Bwahahahaha! I am the ghost of Christmas Past! Fear me and the fact that I am a Ghost, fool! Now rise, and face your doom! Mwahahahaha!"_

Chuigi raised an eyebrow. "Really now? You look more like Bowser in a cheap 3-D, see-through effort they use in crappy movies with low budgets."

The ghost, who I shall now refer to as 'GCP', rolled his eyes. _"Ugh, everybody says that, and it drives me nuts! I'm not Bowser, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past! And I have come to uh... show you the past!"_

"...Delightful," muttered the Pichu.

_"SHUT UP! Your bitchin' outta stop once you see... YOUR PAST! BWAHAHAHA!"_

_And so, they went to the past! How? THEY JUST DID! You actually think I'm gonna sit here and try and explain how they transcended time and space to arrive in the past?! NO!_

"So, now what?"

GCP shook his fist in his face. "Look and see! It's you when you were a little Pichu!"

"I'm still a Pichu..."

"I said a_ little_ Pichu!"

"...What exactly does 8 inches mean to you in that little empty head of yours?"

"Just shut up and watch!"

"I don't have to. Just went on a thrilling expedition with my stupid brother and our baby forms. Trust me, if I never see our baby selves again, it'll be too soon."

GCP sweatdropped. "You were never a happy guy, were you?"

"If I was, I'd be a Raichu by now... and famous!"

"Well, just 'cause you had a sucky childhood doesn't mean the future's gonna be any worse."

He scoffed. "Who're you trying to kid? There pretty much is no future. We're just going putting off our inevitable fate that will one day, if not sooner, consume us and wipe out all life in one, big explosion of nitrogen and cheese."

GCP frowned. "Cheese?"

"What? It's more lethal than you think it is!"

"...Dude, you've got some serious issues."

"'Issues' is just 'tissues' without the 'T', no one ever said having those are a bad thing..."

"BLARGH! I can't deal with this!" he grabbed Chuigi. "Since you refuse to look back into the past, and you don't believe in the future, there's nothing I can do to help you! I mean, not like I would, anyway! You're wierd, man! Too weird! WAY too weird!"

"And that's a probelm because...?"

"It's a problem because I don't deal with the crackpots, just those mislead losers who can't ever remember where they came from! That sure ain't the case for you, so back to your pitiful existnace you go!"

_And with that, he hurled Chuigi, er... somewhere! That's right! Somewhere! Perhaps back to his house? Yeah, that sounds about right..._

* * *

_Chuigi sat straight up in his bed, rubbing his head! Hey, that rhymes, lol!_

"That was obviously just the 'sugarplums dancing in my head', no doubt..." he sighed. "Stupid hallucinations. Why must you torment me so?! Why can't I just have a normal Christmas for once?!"

"You can and you will!" giggled a female's voice.

Chuigi blinked. "Oh, great. More hallucinations. Can't a guy get some rest around here?! I'm trying to wait for Santa, and he'll never come if you weirdos keep waking me up!"

After another giggle, a Raichu, who strangely looked like Peach appeared. "Silly Chuigi! You still believe in Santa Claus?"

"...And you still believe you have a brain?"

"Nope! Kicked the habit about a week ago! Oh, and by the way, I'm the ghost of Christmas present! HAVE SOME UNWRAPPED BOXES CHOCK FULL OF NOTHING!"

"Um, yay?"

"Yes, yes! But don't open 'em now, cause we gotta go and show you the meaning of Halloween!"

"...Christmas."

"Christmas! That's what I said!"

_Taking Chuigi by the paw and turning him into a ghost, GCPR whisked him away to see just what he missing out on!_

"Okay, there's a house, there's some grass, ooh, the moon, and there's a tree! Ooh! OOH! LOOK! A CYNDAQUIL! **_HI, CYNDAQUIL!"_**

Her companion frowned. "Uh, aren't you supposed to be showing me my so-called friends having Christmas?"

"Oh! Yeah! Well, uh... look over there! At that house!"

Chuigi groaned, knowing where this was going. "Oh no! Not one of those sappy, poor yahoos who eat fruitcake for Christmas. Oh, joy."

"Aw, come on! They're a super happy family, with lots of super happy treats and fruitcake!"

"Nah, I'll pass. Fruitcake gives me gas, and slap-happy people make me sick."

"But they're, like, happy and stuff 'cause it's Christmas, and that's what Christmas is all about! Don'tcha see?"

"Look, lady. All I care about is going home, going to bed, and waiting for Santa to bring me that AK-47! Hopefully so I gun down losers like this Christmas Day!"

GCPR frowned. "Aw, now that's not nice! You should be shooting at them with bullets of happiness, not hate!"

Chuigi rolled his eyes. "Bleh..."

"Hmm, I did my best, but you're not gonna listen to me, I guess the next guy'll have to try his luck! Oh, well! That's means I can go home now and eat some eggnog pudding! YAYSIES!" And with a wave of her paw, everything went black!

* * *

_**POOF!** Chuigi sat up in his bed, quite frankly pissed off!_

"All right! That's it!" he growled, throwing off the covers and stomping across the room. "No more stupid ghosts are gonna come in here and try to tell me what I should do for Christmas! When I get that AK-47, they're dead! ...Uh, again!"

_He reached the closet and was about rummage through for a missile launcher or something when he noticed a Dialga__ blocking the way!_

He scowled. "Hey! Move it, you crooked, 4-legged abomination from the depths of Hades!"

Dialga snarled. "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

Chuigi crossed his arms as he repeated himself. "A crooked, 4-legged abomination from the depths of Hades! Now, outta the way!"

"Oh..." The dragon frowned. "That hurt my feelings..."

"CHUIGI THE PICHU!" bellowed Palkia, who somehow appeared out of the closet, despite the fact Dialga could barely fit in there! "YOU HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY FOR EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS THAT HAS COME AND GONE!"

Chuigi raised an eyebrow. "So?"

Palkia growled. "_So_... we're here to teach you a lesson about Christmas, seeing as the other Ghosts have failed horribly! Quake in fear, mortal, for you are in the presence of the _Ghosts of** Christmas to Come! Mwahahahahaha!"**_

"WTF? You can't both be the Ghost of Christmas Future!"

Dialga groaned. "First off, it's 'The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come'!"

"Second, yes we can! We both own freakin' time and space! And that makes us liable to do whatever we want, okay?!"

Chuigi shrugged. "Whatever. It's not like I care..."

Palkia grabbed him. "Oh, you'll be caring in a minute!"

"Yeah!" added Dialga! "When we get through with you!"

"Fuck off! I _just_ said that!" growled Palkia.

Dialga flipped her off! ...Somehow. "Screw you! I sounded a lot scarier!"

"Listen!" said Chuigi. "You both suck, okay? You're horrible at this, you stink as legends, and Rayquaza can pwn you guys any day. I don't need this! I just wanna go back to bed before Santa shows up!"

The blue guy was outraged! "The crap?! Didja hear what this little rat just said?!"

"I'm not as deaf as you are stupid, dumbass," grumbled Palkia.

"SHUT UP!"

"Anyways," Palkia randomly threw Chuigi into a graveyard, as they were there now. "Christmas has nothing to do with being with your family and spending time with your loved ones!"

Chuigi sweatdropped. "Uh, don't you have that backwards?"

"Oh, yeah?! Well, it's not like_ you_ care about your family or friends!"

"Because they all blow ass."

Dialga thumped him on the head. "Silence! Even if they do suck, you're still supposed to spend time with them so you can get their presents! That's the real meaning of Christmas, duh!"

Palkia shrugged. "In a nutshell, pretty much."

"I JUST SAID THAT!"

"WELL, YOU SUCK, SO LET SOMEONE'LL HE'LL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO SAY IT!"

Chuigi walked off as the two began fighting. "Forget this! I'm going back home to wait for Santa! I worked too hard this year not to get what I've been waiting for!"

_He kept walking until he ran into a tombstone. He was ready to kick it over when he noticed it had his name on it! OMG!_

"'Here Lies Chuigi'," he read, "'The Gayest Guy in the History of Gaydom'?! WTF?"

"You see?" Palkia said, flying over. "If you don't straighten up and start acting good for Christmas, Santa won't just give you an AK-47, he'll kill you with it!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!" laughed Dialga. "Now roll around, crying and screaming how it all can't be true, and that you don't wanna die and--"

The Pichu scoffed. "Screw this! I'm not gonna go out like my loser brother did! I'm going to slightly change my ways so that I just barely meet the requirement for not dying young! BOOYAH!"

"But that's not--! I mean, you're supposed to--! You can't just--!" sputtered Dialga.

"Whatever. Don't care. Take me home now, for I've somewhat learned my lesson."

Palkia frowned. "Aw, but come on! You're no fun! You're supposed to be learning a life lesson from this sorta thing! What, you think we traveled millions of light years for you to get absolutely nothing outta this?!"

"Who cares? You did your job, Christmas is 'saved', and Pikario's still dead! Everybody's happy, woop-dee-doo."

Dialga snorted. "All right, fine! But remember, you'll pay for this!"

Chuigi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Get on with it already! Send me home now!"

"What do we do now? That little brat didn't learn a single thing!"

Diagla smirked evilly. "Don't worry; I've got an idea..."

* * *

_Back home, Chuigi punched his pillow, pretty steamed at the fact he'd missed Christmas!_

"Damn it!" he growled. "It's already was morning and Santa didn't even land on the roof! Damn! It's all those stupid ghosts' fault! Damn! I bet Pikario was the head of this! Damn! If I ever see 'em again, I'll--"

"You'll what?"

"The crap?" In horror, he looked up to see brother standing before him, undead! And when I say "undead", I mean he was alive! "Pikario, you're supposed to be dead!"

He growled. "Yeah, well, you obviously don't know when to listen to me, so Dialga and Palkia sent me back to whip you into shape!"

"WTF? Since when can they do that?"

"They both own freakin' time and space! That makes 'em liable to do whatever they want!"

He sweatdropped. "Yeah, where've I heard that before?"

"You little bastard, you didn't do one thing I told you to, did you?! You're supposed to listen to ghostly spirits, otherwise, what's the point in being ghosts?!"

"Yeah, so what're you gonna do about it? It's Christmas, and I've already been screwed in more ways than one! ...In the bad way..."

"Hmph, you don't desrve it, but here." He handed him his Christmas present; an AK-47! "Enjoy it now, 'cause in exactly 18 hours, your ass is going down!"

"Dude! Freaking sweet! Not only did I get what I want, but I also saved Christmas!"

Pikario frowned. "No, you didn't."

"Well, I kinda did. Unlike you, whose ass has been dead for the last 2 months, and should've stayed that way."

* * *

_Before Chuigi knew it, he was substituting the snowman's head outside, feeling pretty silly about his new body! But that didn't bother him too much, as Pikario was nice enough to jam his present in there with him, making it appear as if the snowman was ready to blow someone's brains out! Not one passerby gawked at this disturbing sight in the front yard, for they knew it was Christmas, and there were a lot worse ways a guy could be spending it. As far Chuigi__ was concerned, this was probably the best one ever._

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** Sorry if it wasn't up to snuff, but I was a little pressed for time... Merry Christmas!_


End file.
